


sing the blues and swallow them too

by celaenos



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Female Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Galentine's Day Exchange, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-10 18:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3299267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/pseuds/celaenos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They both look over at the empty bed in sync and Danny doesn't know what else to say. Nothing is going to make it any better. “It's not your fault,” she repeats again, because it's the truth. Maybe if Laura hears it enough, she'll start to believe it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	sing the blues and swallow them too

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sumi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sumi/gifts).



> many thanks to L for the beta, any further mistakes are mine. killing carmilla hurt like a bitch and i don't think i'll ever be able to do it again, but your prompt intrigued me too much. i incorporated some of my headcanons for danny into this regarding her childhood, and, they/them pronouns are used for lafontaine. hope you enjoy, happy galentine's day!

There's a moment, after, when Danny thinks that maybe she just imagined the entire thing. Vampires aren't real. Thousand year old demons haven't been devouring girls for ages. She is just a normal collegiate, trying to balance homework, and sleep, and a burgeoning crush.

The fight ends so suddenly that her body won't stop shaking. It's still chock full of adrenaline, all jumpy and rattled, and Danny can't hear a thing apart from the sound of blood rushing in her ears.

Laura stands over at the edge of the pit, and Danny gets an unshakable urge to go and yank her away from it. Instead, she forces herself to wait, and turns to pop Kirsch's shoulder back in place. Staunchly ignoring his yelp of pain, she does a quick sweep of the cave. Everyone is in various states of disarray; rumpled clothes, cuts dripping blood, and bruises forming on their skin—but they're all okay. They all survived.

Well, almost all of them.

Her eyes snap back over to Laura, and this time she walks over to her slowly. Danny stares down into the pit, but there is no sign of Carmilla, The Dean, or the demon light thing. It's just pitch black. Dirt and stone. Laura starts to cry. Feeling helpless, Danny reaches out and rests her palm on Laura's shoulder. They stand together like that for a moment, then the ground begins to shake, and Danny yanks them both back from the edge.

“I think it was just some sort of... aftershock, or... something.” Perry calls out. She motions for Danny and Laura to come over to her. “Can we—” she sighs, looking exhausted, “—can we just get out of here now please?”

Laura doesn't say a thing. She takes one last glance back at the pit, then walks towards the cavern entrance with everyone trailing behind her.

…

…

They make a video immediately. Laura insists on it, her tear streaked face trying so hard to keep it together. But, once she says the words, _'Carmilla's dead'_ everything sort of goes to shit.

Betty sits in the corner awkwardly, staring down at the floor. And for the first time, even Perry doesn't seem to know how to comfort Laura. Danny helps Laura get settled on her bed, then, with some help from Perry, they explain everything that happened. It doesn't end up feeling as cathartic as Danny hoped it would, but it helps. Actually saying it all out loud. It makes everything that happened feel more real somehow, instead of being just some crazy story.

When they're done, Betty sits there on a stool looking at Laura like she'd rather be anywhere else. Danny doesn't want to leave Laura alone with someone who doesn't remember being her friend. (And isn't that just perfect? The girl Laura has been trying to save this whole damn time doesn't even recognize her anymore.) So, Danny stays. She cleans herself up in Laura's bathroom for the second time this year. Except now as she steps into the room, lightly towel drying her hair, rather than finding a beaming dirt-streaked Laura, she finds a nearly catatonic one. It's such a stark change that Danny doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know how to make it better.

She knows that she can't.

…

…

Betty is supposed to stay until the end of term, but she's months behind in her classes, and never wanted to go to _'this ridiculous, middle of nowhere, freaky place anyway!'_ So, she calls her parents and packs up most of her things within the next two days. There isn't much of it. A lot of her things disappeared when she did.

The new—real—version of Betty isn't quite as friendly as the pod people version of her was. She complains constantly about all of Carmilla's things in her space. And when she starts yelling at Laura about something (Danny wasn't paying attention to what exactly, only that it's not the first time, and Laura's face crumbles before she disappears into the bathroom) Danny slaps her. The crack is incredibly loud in the cramped room and Danny's palm stings a bit. Betty's eyes snap to Danny's own, shock and controlled anger behind them.

“The only reason you're not in some basement cave, about to eaten alive by a demon thing is because of Laura,” she says tightly. “And someone she cared about a lot is dead. So lay off her.”

Betty nods, trembling a little, and Danny slumps down onto Laura's rumpled bed with a sigh.

…

…

The nightmares come back.

It's still the same old thing every time: desperately diving back under the raging waves of the ocean, trying in vein to keep her eyes open. Her small, shivering body being thrown about, and knocked down over and over again. Sand collecting in her bathing suit as she's dragged out of the water, crying, and cold, and shaking.

She wakes up the same way she has since she was thirteen years old: freezing and covered in a sheen of sweat. The first time it had happened, she'd been disoriented and confused, forgotten what had happened. The look on her mother's face as she tried to explain through her own tears is etched into Danny's skull forever. She hadn't believed her. She'd called her mom a liar, thrown her covers back and run down the hall.

Her parents told her that she screamed, after. A silent, hoarse, desperate thing that tore itself out of her throat as she stood in her sister's empty bedroom. But she never remembers.

…

…

Laura's grief is different from her own. Laura is grieving for Carmilla, and Danny is grieving for Laura.

She hovers. She knows she is doing it, but she can't seem to make herself stop. The thought of Laura, alone in her room, staring at all Carmilla's things, not eating, not doing _anything_ , hurts somewhere deep enough in Danny that she can't even begin to scratch at it. Which, just makes everything that much worse. Her feelings for Laura don't matter right now, might never matter again. But it's still _Laura_ so... she doesn't exactly know how to turn them off. If she knew how to do that, she wouldn't have let herself go around feeling like shit for the last few weeks while she watched as Laura and Carmilla grew closer and closer.

Instead, she pushes them down inside of her, as far away as she can manage. They are a problem for another time, right now, Laura needs a friend who understands how she feels.

Danny can be that. For Laura, she thinks she can twist herself into just about anything.

…

…

Danny grabs Kirsch and they go back down into the basement and crawl through the caves. The aftershocks have caused some of them to collapse, and left new openings from the woods. The chilly fall breeze whips all around them. The only sign that there had been a deadly fight not quite two days ago, are the clumps of dust remaining from the vampires they managed to stake. And, she supposes, the large cut scabbing over on her nose, and Kirsch's injured arm in a sling.

They shine as many flashlights (and one table lamp) down into the pit as they can, and Danny climbs down into its depths. Her footing slips just as she reaches the bottom, and she slides the rest of the way down, crashing into the dirt hard. She grunts and uprights herself, freezing when her hand brushes against something cold and smooth. Danny turns slowly and squints, and there she is—was. Quickly, Danny glances around, but there isn't any sight of the Dean's body anywhere. Some part of that feels foreboding, but Danny ignores it and moves back over to Carmilla.

She's heavier than she looks. Danny's not sure if it's a vampire thing, or a being dead thing, or both, but it takes her a long time to climb back up out of the pit with Carmilla in her arms. She could go faster if she wanted to, but the thought of just flinging Carmilla's body over her shoulder carelessly makes her stomach turn. Danny has never liked this girl, but, in the end, she respected her. Danny is alive right now because of her. _Laura_ is alive because of her. They all are.

So, Danny cradles the heavy body in her arms and takes her time. Carmilla deserves at least that much from her.

Kirsch helps one-handed to haul them over the edge and then they both sit there together, breathing heavily for a minute, Carmilla sprawled out across both their laps. “Shit,” Kirsch finally mumbles, looking down at her body.

“She might not...” Danny starts, “I mean, she was technically dead _already_ right?” she asks. “What if she just needs some blood?” And she'll never look at Kirsch in the same way again, because he doesn't hesitate before pulling up the sleeve on his good arm and sticking his wrist out in front of Carmilla's face. “I don't think that'll... there's no blood there Kirsch.” She says after a minute. He looks up at her, and then before she can move to punch him, he reaches out and picks at the scab on her nose. She squawks and punches him in the thigh, hard. “Asshole!” she yells as he wipes the bit of Danny's blood on his wrist, holding it back out in front of Carmilla's mouth.

He waits and Danny presses the sleeve of her shirt against her nose. It's black anyway, and worn out and old, and she just doesn't give a shit anymore. Kirsch presses his skin right against Carmilla's lips, but she's as lifeless as she was down in the pit. Danny finds her eyes hot with tears and shakes her head quickly to rid herself of them.

“Guess it was a long shot,” Kirsch finally says, and pulls his arm back. Wiping it against his jeans, he rises and narrows his eyes at the pit. “We should fill that in. I'll get my bros on it.”

“You do that,” Danny snaps, and lifts Carmilla back into her arms, walking away from him.

Now that she has Carmilla, she isn't sure what to do with her. Bringing her body back to Laura's room seems cruel and when she thinks about it, unsanitary. Instead, she sits down and texts Lafontaine. They make a plan to bring the Carmilla—the body, Danny reminds herself—to the biology building. Things are so up in the air with the Dean's death, and Laf says their teachers are clueless half the time anyways. No one will notice a body in the freezer for a night. Danny thinks maybe she should be alarmed by that, but right now, she's just grateful.

…

…

They hold a funeral the next day.

Danny can't remember who brings it up, but one of the Summer Society girls mentions an old tradition that's sort of like a viking funeral. A hero's honor. And Danny hears herself saying yes without a moment's hesitation.

When she brings up the idea to Laura, it's the first time in two days that Laura actually looks her in the eye. “Yeah,” she whispers, before trailing her gaze back over to Carmilla's empty bed. “That sounds good.”

Danny and a few of the girls hoist Carmilla up in a small wooden boat over their shoulders, and they lead the procession down to the lake. (Each step feels heavy; beyond carrying the weight of Carmilla, and more to do with the ever approaching sea that the lake merges into.)

When they set the boat down, Perry, Natalie, and some of the other girls place flowers around Carmilla's body. The air is cold and Danny shivers in her thin t-shirt. She wraps her arms around herself as Laura walks forward with tears in her eyes, and her yellow pillow clutched in her hands. Danny watches as she gently lifts Carmilla's head and places the pillow underneath with great care. Laura brushes Carmilla's bangs out of her eyes before backing away with a choked sob. Danny moves over beside Lafontaine, and together, the two of them gently push the boat out onto the vast water before them.

The Zetas, led by Kirsch, all stand at the edge of the water, their tridents held out in some salute that Danny doesn't know the meaning of. Hannah, a world class archer and Danny's roommate from last year, lights her arrows on fire, and sends them soaring out to Carmilla's boat. The rest of the Summer Society girls are all holding candles, and singing a song that's probably as old as Carmilla. Danny can't manage the words, so she hums along instead.

Laura cries unabashedly beside her and Danny reaches over and brushes her hand against Laura's lightly, letting her decide if she wants the comfort or not. Laura grips it fiercely as they watch the flaming boat sail further and further away from sight.

Danny can't help but think that now another person in her life has been lost to the ocean forever.

…

…

Laura's diet was terrible enough beforehand, but now it's abysmal. Without prompting she has no appetite—doesn't even bother to nibble at her cookies. Danny finds herself bringing over dinner for them to share nearly every night. Perry and Lafontaine tend to meet up with Laura for lunch; their schedules match up better.

The two of them cram themselves up side by side on top of Laura's bed, facing the oppressive empty one across from them, with their dinners on their laps. Laura alternates between picking at her food, and shoveling small bites down her throat in quick succession. Like it's an unpleasant medicine. Mechanical. They mostly sit in silence and watch old episodes of _Boy Meets World_ on Laura's laptop. Everything that they haven't said to each other since their fight weeks before, and the absence of Carmilla rests heavy in the air between them. Danny doesn't know where to start, so she remains silent, leaving it up to Laura.

They're eating pizza and cookies on a Saturday night when Laura blurts out a question so suddenly that Danny jolts. “How long after your sister died did it stop hurting?” she asks, her voice cracking a bit from disuse, coming out too loud and squeaky. She snaps her mouth back shut almost immediately and picks up a cookie, fiddling with it.

Danny had told Laura about Molly, forever ago it seems now, but she left a lot of details out. She always leaves details out. _I had a sister. She was three years younger than me. She drowned when I was thirteen_. That is usually more than enough. Uncomfortable silence falls, and most people quickly offer her their condolences, change the subject and move on. More often than not, Danny is grateful. She never has to attempt to fumble through explaining the rest of it. The forever heavy on her tongue, _it was all my fault, and I couldn't save her_ part. She never has to say out loud the words that have rung over and over around in her head for years: _I made her go in the water. I let go of her hand. I killed my sister._

Stalling, Danny picks some cheese off of her pizza and places it in her mouth, chewing slowly. “More than a week,” she says finally, trying to joke. Neither of them smile. But Laura nods, letting out a small noise that could be construed as a self deprecating chuckle in any other situation.

“I just,” Laura shakes her head, and Danny knows without looking that there are tears forming in her eyes. She presses her head back against the wall roughly, clenching her teeth shut and waiting for Laura to continue. “It's my fault she's dead,” Laura finally chokes out.

“It's _not_ ,” Danny says fiercely. Laura's head is bent over, tears falling down onto the stale cookies in her hands. Danny wants to tell her to let go of the guilt, it’s not her fault, not even close. But if anyone knows how useless that is, Danny does. She starts, then stops. Her throat is dry, the cheese sticking to the roof of her mouth. She wants something to wet it, but the sink is too far away and she’s afraid that if she moves she’ll startle Laura somehow. So she just clears her throat again, mostly in vein, and presses on anyway. “It's not your fault,” she repeats. “And if Carmilla were here, she'd say the same thing. And you know it.” Danny sucks in a breath. “She'd call you an idiot and tell you that crying makes her nauseated or something.”

Laura laughs then, bitterly and without an ounce of joy. “Yeah, she would.”

They both look over at the empty bed in sync and Danny doesn't know what else to say. Nothing is going to make it any better. “It's not your fault,” she repeats again, because it's the truth. Maybe if Laura hears it enough, she'll start to believe it.

…

…

Danny and Perry help Laura clear out Carmilla's things. They had been partly stuffed away the few nights Betty slept in the dorm. But now they sit there out in the open, collecting dust and causing Laura's face to twist uncomfortably every time she looks at them. Perry plows through the room, cleaning up Laura's takeout boxes, doing laundry, and never sitting still for a moment. Danny moves slower, pausing and holding up certain items to ask Laura if she wants to keep anything. Laura shakes her head no each time.

By the end of the day, Laura ends up deciding to keep one old book that Carmilla must have read so often that the binding falls open at certain places, and one striped top of Carmilla's. She picks up another old book—full of poems—and strokes the cover gently before asking Danny if she would like to have it. It's a gesture of consideration that makes Danny's eyes go hurt and damp. Instead of trying to speak, she nods and Laura holds the book out to her with great care.

Perry coughs, getting their attention, her arms are full of Carmilla's things to be donated. “Um, so... Lafontaine and I will meet you for lunch later?” she asks Laura. “After class?”

Laura nods, still looking at the bare mattress across the room. “Sure.”

Danny allows Perry to shuffle her out of the room, as much as she wants to stay. She spends the rest of her math class reading through Carmilla's book of poems. By the time her professor dismisses them, she has all three poems that the cracked spine falls open to automatically memorized in full.

…

…

Danny can't remember why exactly she thought taking Laura for a run with her would be a good idea. For one, it's the first week of December, and while there hasn't really been much snow falling yet, it's still cold as balls. And perhaps the most important, Laura is not what anyone would classify as a runner.

She still takes to it like her usual self—which, had been the entire point—and Danny feels like she can breathe again normally for the first time in over a month. She meets Laura in her room, to find her pacing in front of a bed covered with strewn clothes.

“Which sweatpants do you think would be best?” Laura asks, without actually looking at Danny. “Or, are leggings better?” she turns and bites at her bottom lip. “Wait, you have leggings on. I'll do leggings too.”

“Laura, you can wear whatever you want. Just make sure it's warm.”

She hesitates, then nods her head once before grabbing a pair of thick black leggings and stepping into the bathroom to change.

Everything only escalates from there.

“So, I did some research last night about proper running form,” she announces as they walk out of the campus courtyard and onto a trail leading to the woods. “Also, stretching! We have to stretch or we could pull something. I looked at multiple web sites and some of it seemed a little bit ridiculous but—”

“—Laura,” Danny halts, cutting her off, and Laura bumps into her. “Take a breath. We'll stretch, and don't worry about form or technique. We're _just running_.”

“Right,” Laura says, looking sheepish. “I just... wanted to be prepared. It feels like a good distraction,” she shrugs, looking down at the halfway frozen ground. “Easier than focusing on finals and... other stuff anyway,” she adds in a half whisper.

Danny sucks in a breath and grits her teeth. She can't believe how quickly she forgot the entire point of this plan of hers. She smiles at Laura softly. “We can do whatever stretches you found, maybe there's some I don't know yet. And... any technique you want is fine. I just meant—I just didn't want you to stress about it. That's all.”

Laura smiles at her. Not quite in the way that she used to, but with less pain than last week. “Okay,” Laura says. “There was this one that seemed really good, sort of yoga like...”

Danny resists the urge to groan and listens patiently while Laura grows a bit more excited in her explanation.

The stretches are as ridiculous as Danny imagined, but she does everything that Laura tells her, and then they take off at a light jog.

Laura and silence have never meshed well together, but, in the last few weeks, they've become much closer. Danny and Laura run side by side without speaking. The woods are subdued as well; the weather forcing most of the animals to burrow, or temporarily relocate. The stillness gives off an erie calm to the whole woods, neither inviting nor particularly ominous. (Though they make sure to stay clear of the path that goes off towards the lake. The sea monster that most students have dubbed, Little Nessie, has never seemed particularly bothered by the cold.) Their feet connect hard against the nearly frozen ground, and their breaths come out in little puffs as they press on despite the chill in the air. Danny is glad that she made sure they each had mittens and hats on. It's probably going to end up snowing tonight.

They come around a bend, Laura puffing wildly, and Danny is about ready to tell her that they can turn back when Laura loses her footing. It happens too quickly for Danny to catch her. One second Laura is upright, and the next she's down.

"Shit!" Laura yells, "ow, ow, _shit_."

Danny crouches and sees the patch of ice that Laura slipped on. Grimacing, she inspects Laura's ankle. She turns it in her hands gently, while Laura winces and keeps hissing the word, “shit,” over and over in quick succession.

“I don't think it's broken or anything,” Danny says. “You just landed on it hard.”

Before she can say anything else, Laura starts laughing like a maniac.

Danny sort or backs away, surprised and unsure what is happening. Laura is... cackling isn't the right word, but it doesn't feel too far off. Whatever is happening, it's disconcerting. This isn't Laura full of joy, this is Laura coming apart somehow. “I'm sorry,” she wheezes through her laughter. “I just... _of course_ I fell.”

“It was just some ice Laura. I could have slipped on it too.”

“Yeah, but you didn't,” Laura manages to mostly calm herself down, then looks Danny square in the eye, her expression full of pain.

Danny holds her arms out. “There's a big rock over there,” she motions with a nod. “Gotta be better than sitting in frozen dirt.” Laura lets Danny haul her upwards, then practically carry her over to the rock as she limps along. They are closer to the lake now than Danny realized; overlooking it from their spot by the rock. Tentatively, Danny helps Laura situate herself, then hesitates, standing above her. Laura sighs, and rolls her eyes for the first time in weeks before patting the empty spot on the rock beside her.

Danny moves to sit next to her, close enough that they are just a shrug away from touching shoulders. It's a nice feeling, the way they're sitting in almost the same position, looking out over the slowly freezing lake. The woods are quiet enough that Danny can hear them both breathe in sync in the frigid air; matching puffs forming in front of their mouths. They're waiting for something, she realizes, even if she's not sure exactly what for. Things to magically be better maybe, fixed, without having to figure out a way to fix them. For someone who knows what they are doing, to come and help mush the pieces of themselves back together. Danny wouldn't even know where to start, nothing about her has felt whole since she was thirteen. (Except, maybe, a few times with Laura it felt like it could be possible—someday.) She's yet to figure out a way to fix herself, let alone start repairing Laura's broken heart. She sighs. Danny has always hated waiting, the way it lets excitement go flat and anxiety builds more with each passing second. Her brain whirling with scattered thoughts. She's never been any good at it. She avoids it as much as possible; does everything she can to not be sitting there thinking and waiting anxiously. Jumps without dwelling on it.

“Have you ever seen Little Nessie?” Danny asks, because the waiting is causing pains in her chest, and, she's curious. It doesn't seem like such a huge leap from vampires and thousand year old demons to lake monsters.

“No,” Laura smiles, only a little, but it practically lights up her face anyway. “If we caught her on film though, we'd be set for life. Probably get some kind of reward.”

Danny grins. “Laura Hollis, makes the journalistic discovery of the 21st century. Cryptozoologists rejoice.”

Laura keeps her gaze out to the lake, but lightly brushes her shoulder against Danny's, and there is a renewed hint of a sparkle in her eyes. “Along with her trusty partner Danielle Lawrence.”

It takes a lot for Danny to only smile casually at her and shrug, “Well, of course.”

…

…

The night before everyone heads home for winter break, Laura invites Danny over for a final movie night of the year. All of her clothes are packed away, so Danny pulls on a fairly clean hoodie over the t-shirt and sweatpants she slept in the night before. She comes bearing a bag of assorted mini Hershey's candy bars and popcorn, her hair piled up into a messy bun. She hesitates in the doorway. Laura is also decked out in comfy clothes, but somehow, she looks much more put together than Danny feels.

Danny tugs at the bottom of her hoodie uncomfortably, wishing she had at least bothered with some makeup or putting her contacts in. “Um, I've got candy,” she says, holding the bag up.

Laura grins at her, and it's almost like it used to be. “Awesome," she says. And Danny stops feeling insecure about her appearance. This is Laura, they've done this a hundred times this semester. And she is acting like an idiot. Laura pats the space on the bed beside her, and gives Danny another smile that rests on her face lighter than it has in a while. "Come on, sit."

It's stupid, but Danny moves cautiously, afraid of doing something that will snap Laura out of this small reprieve from her grief. Maybe it's that the holidays are upon them, or that Laura will get to see her dad again tomorrow. Maybe it's just the familiarity of going home, Danny doesn't ask. Naming the change feels like it might jinx it.

They sit impossibly close, their hands constantly brush against each other as they pick at the popcorn, and Danny feels like screaming. There's a nervous energy vibrating off Laura, filling the room with tension, and it's making Danny feel more anxious than she's felt in forever.

Halfway through the movie that Danny is having trouble concentrating on, their hands brush against each other for the sixth time and Laura goes still. Before Danny can manage to pull her hand back, Laura turns her whole body towards Danny, ignoring the movie and looks her square in the eye. "Do you like me?" she blurts out, in true Laura fashion.

Danny very gracefully starts choking on the popcorn in her mouth.

Laura's face twists into panic and she starts rubbing Danny's back. "Do you need water? The Heimlich? Oh god, I've never administered it before. Quick turn around!"

Danny waves her off, hacks again and the popcorn dislodges itself from her throat. It's easily one of the grossest things Danny has ever managed to do in front of someone she likes. Which... Laura is kind of really close to her face right now, and Danny's throat still feels like someone went at it with a dull butter knife.

She backs away as far as she can manage on Laura's twin bed and coughs once more. "I'm okay," she insists, her voice coming out raspy and strained.

"Water!" Laura yells, and shoves a glass in front of Danny. Shaking it urgently until Danny takes it from her and sips it.

It's as good of a distraction as any, so Danny keeps sipping the water and looking anywhere but at Laura's concerned face.

Eventually, the silence becomes too painful. "I'm okay," Danny repeats, with significantly less croaking.

Laura breathes a sigh of relief, and smiles at her. "Good," she waits for a moment, but when Danny doesn't say anything else, adds, "so, was that a yes? Or was that more of an oh my god _no_ not even a little?"

"Umm..."

Laura continues, her words pouring out of her mouth in a nervous, rapid jumble. "Because, I mean... I was only wondering because we never talked about it. Before. I—I liked you,” she says, a little shakily. “And admittedly, I don't have much experience with relationships, and I know I can be very oblivious." She gives Danny a sheepish, self-deprecating smile. "But it sort of seemed like maybe you liked me back. And I thought that maybe we were gonna... but then... everything happened with," her eyes fill with pain, and she chokes a little on the word. "Carmilla," she says softly.

Danny tries incredibly hard not to let herself feel jealous at the way Laura sort of holds Carmilla's name in her mouth, saying it with such tenderness and care. She doesn't succeed particularly well, but she swallows it down with the last bit of her water as Laura presses on.

"And I just..." Laura shakes her head, and Danny can see tears forming in her eyes. The girl on screen screams, jolting them both a little. For some reason, they picked some crappy B horror film on Netflix. Laura wraps her arms around herself tightly. "Everything is just so confusing,” she gasps. Danny's fingers itch to reach out to her, but she clenches them tightly around the water glass instead. “Because I liked you, a lot. But then... I liked Carmilla too.” She starts crying, holding onto herself as the sobs wreck through her body. “I think I might have loved her. Or, I could have. But she _died.”_

Danny unclenches her fists and rests one hand on Laura's knee. Rubbing small circles on it with her thumb while Laura cries.

"I think I was starting to love her and _she_ _died_ Danny," Laura whispers, like it's too terrible to say out loud.

And it is. Danny is suddenly furious. Because none of it is fair. Molly shouldn't have died at ten. Danny shouldn't have had to grow up without her. Carmilla shouldn't have been murdered at eighteen. She shouldn't have had to go through hundreds of years of emotional abuse, only to die again when things were sort of becoming okay. Laura's mother should still be alive. She shouldn't start to fall in love only to have it ripped away from her before it even really began. Danny shouldn't feel guilty for caring about Laura. Hundreds of girls whose names Danny will never know shouldn't have lost their minds and died, alone and terrified in that fucking pit.

None of it is fair and Danny wants to scream.

She doesn't. Instead, she continues rubbing small circles on Laura's knee while she calms herself down. "I know," Danny says gently. "That you loved her." It surprises her that it doesn't hurt to say out loud. She expects her gut to twist and to choke on the words, but she doesn't. It feels good to finally be talking about it. There are so many things that she and Laura have just never said out loud to each other. They've been building and becoming too overwhelming for months now. Saying it almost feels like a relief.

Laura sucks in a breath, "I... but you're," she stops, trying to find the proper words. "You're still important to me too,” she settles on. Danny fights to keep her face neutral. “I just...”

"Yes," Danny says quickly, needing to get it out. "I liked you back. I never stopped." Before Laura can say something that will break Danny's heart, she quickly adds, "But it's okay. I'm your friend first Laura,” she says sincerely. Because it's true. “I know how you felt about her, we can just be friends.” Danny tugs at the bottom of her dirty t-shirt. “Actually, I hate that term. Just be friends,” she scoffs. “It's stupid. There isn't anything _just_ about it.” She smiles softly at Laura. There are definitely some tears in her own eyes that she can't seem to stop from falling. She is going to need to take her glasses off in a second or things will start to get blurry and gross. But she smiles at Laura, and Laura smiles back. “I love being your friend.”

"I love being your friend too." Laura says. "But... I don't," she wipes at her face and stares Danny in the eye again. Of all of them, Danny knows that Laura is actually the bravest. "I don't think my feelings for you ever went away," she says. And Danny stops breathing. "I just, everything is so confusing right now. But, I needed us to talk about it.”

“I...” Danny swallows. “Okay.”

Laura nods, and she looks like a little bit of weight has been lifted off her shoulders. "So, now we know,” she says. But it sounds more like a question; what do they do now?

Danny has no idea. “Yeah,” she says, her gaze down at the floor.

The girl on screen screams again, high pitched and shocking in the stillness of the moment. Danny and Laura look at each other, then both burst out into laughter.

"Why did we pick this?" Laura asks through her giggles.

Danny is laughing so hard her stomach already hurts. "I have no idea, but we missed like half of it."

Trying to catch her breath, Laura asks, "Want to watch more _Boy Meets World_ instead?"

Danny nods and pulls off her glasses, rubbing at them with her shirt before putting them back on. Laura leans back on the pillows as an episode starts, her shoulder right up against Danny's. And she smiles.

...

...

The next night Danny finally falls into her bed around two, exhausted from her long flight. Why she chose to go to a school that requires a nine hour plane ride home escapes her at the moment. She blearily opens one eye and crams her charger into her phone. It died sometime around hour three. She had forgotten to charge it fully before getting on the plane. Not having it as a distraction from her father's incessant stream of updates on all her cousins lives as he drove them home had been torture.

Once Danny burrows herself under the covers (her mother made her bed with the warmest flannel sheets, and Danny is going to kiss her for it in the morning) her phone finally gathers up enough charge to start dinging with her unread texts.

 **Laura (5:38 pm):** _Ugh, my connecting flight is delayed. I should have_ _just_ _gotten on the same one as Laf and Perry._ _I'm small, I could have hidden myself from the flight attendant._

 **Lafontaine (6:07 pm):** _perr won't let me kill th_ _at_ _toddler_ _I told you abt._

 **Lafontaine (6:09 pm):** _H_ _e's kicking my chair. Like_ _some_ _goddamn movie cliché and perr says he's cute._

 **Lafontaine (6:09 pm):** _CUTE!_

 **Lafontaine (6:10 pm):** _nothing abt him is cute!! he's a demon. I'll bet he grew up at Silas._

 **Perry (6:12 pm):** _He is not a demon. A little over excited and too much sugar perhaps. But other than that very sweet:) how's your flight? Laura's got delayed a little. She texted about half an hour ago. Something with her connection I think._

 **Laura (6:46 pm):** _Yay! I'm on my plane finally!_

 **Laura (7:04 pm):** _Your phone totally died didn't it?_ _I TOLD you to charge it this morning!_

 **Laura (7:49 pm):** _I'll probably keep texting you anyway._

 **Laura (8:05 pm):** _The man across the aisle from me has the WORST b.o. ever._

 **Laura (8:42 pm):** _So, the lady i'm sitting with finally fell asleep._

 **Laura (8:42 pm):** _She is very sweet:)_

 **Laura (8:43 pm):** _I just didn't want to be rude and text abt her right next to her. Her name is Edna. Edna! Like, the most little old lady name ever right?!_

 **Laura (8:44 pm):** _And she is SHORTER THAN ME!!_

 **Laura (8:44 pm):** _And... her husband died abt ten years ago. And we were talking abt him. And Carm came up. And I started crying._

 **Laura (8:45 pm):** _It was very embarrassing. A flight attendant kept walking by and giving me tissues._

 **Laura (8:45 pm):** _But it was also kind of good?_

 **Laura (8:49 pm):** _I'm not sure how to explain it. She just, she said a lot of things that made sense somehow. I don't know how to repeat it the right way._

 **Laura (9:02 pm):** _She's going back home to visit her daughter and grandkids. she_ _'_ _s been traveling the last ten years._

 **Laura (9:03pm):** _Floating. That's how she described it. She's been floating around since her husband died. Like in the ocean. When you just rest and don't try to swim but you don't let yourself sink._

 **Laura (9:04 pm):** _Oh my gosh i'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't... crap, i'm sorry I brought_ _t_ _t that up._

 **Laura (9:04 pm):** _*brought_

 **Laura (9:15pm):** _Edna has a boyfriend now. That's what she was telling me abt too. She's only been dating him for a few months, which is why she's not bringing him home for the holidays. But she said that he's taking her dancing for New Years. And then to the beach._

 **Laura (9:17 pm):** _Sorry to keep talking abt this, but I don't know how to explain it other than how she did._

 **Laura (9:17 pm):** _She said he makes her feel like she can swim again. Like she can pause and float if she wants to, and that the floating was important, but that the swimming is better. And she's better at it now. Because she took the time to learn how to float._

 **Laura (9:18 pm):** _i'm not sure I rlly understand it exactly, and I don't think i'm explaining it all that well. But i'm rlly glad I met her._

 **Lafontaine (10:15 pm):** _PERR'S MOM BROUGHT US THE HAUNKKAH COOKIES I WAS TELLING YOU ABT!!!_

 **Laura (12:29 am):** _my bed is so warm and comfy:) I missed it so much._

 **Laura (12:30 am):** _goodnight danny:)_

Danny considers texting her back for half a second, but she doesn't want to wake Laura up. Instead, she smiles, locks her phone, and closes her eyes. She missed sleeping in her old bed too.

…

…

The holidays for Danny consist mostly of dodging her endlessly growing list of cousins. Laura doesn't believe her when she says that she is the shortest person in her family—bearing the few of them that are under the age of ten. So Danny lines up everyone currently in the kitchen with her, and sends Laura photographic evidence. Which then quickly turns into Danny snapping photographs of herself with each one of her relatives, and sending them all to Laura throughout the next two days. Danny's mother is one of seven children; six girls, including Danny's mother, and one boy. And Danny's father is one of five. He has two older brothers, and two younger sisters.

They all multiplied like rabbits.

Danny is the only one among them who is sibling-less. A fact which she is constantly bombarded with during the holidays. Molly's absence is potent. In the constant swarm of tall ginger-haired people darting in and out of rooms, Danny always finds herself searching for a gangly, colt-like, ten year old.

On the morning of Christmas Eve, Danny finds a picture of herself and Molly, the Christmas before she died. She only half remembers seeing it before, most pictures of Molly were shuffled away in the years after her death. Her mother only started resurfacing them about two years ago, a few at a time. In this one, Danny and Molly are both wearing brand new matching pajamas with candy canes on them, and Santa hats on their heads. They are both asleep on the couch, Molly curled into Danny's side, half on top of her, with her fist clutching a patch of Danny's shirt tightly. Danny has one arm flung over Molly, holding her in place so she doesn't fall off the couch.

Danny has sent Laura a picture of herself with every other member of her family so far, so, she snaps a copy of the photograph, and sends it to Laura with the caption: _last one._

Laura texts her back almost immediately.

 **Laura (8:27 am):** _she is adorable:) you two almost look like twins there!_

 **Laura (8:27 am):** _also, you have 57 family members according to the number of texts i've received. How big is your house? Are they ALL staying with you?!_

Danny chuckles, sipping her coffee and grimacing when she realizes it isn't hers. She shoves it across the table to her cousin, and yanks her own away from him.

 **Danny (8:30 am):** _no. thank god. Half of them all live within ten min from our house. The ones that don't are spread out sharing between us._

 **Danny (8:30 am):** _but the house is still rlly damn full. And LOUD._

 **Laura (8:32 am):** _that sounds kind of nice. It's just me and my dad here. Pretty quiet._

 **Danny (8:32 am):** _I'm sorry:(_

 **Laura (8:34 am):** _It's ok. It's a nice quiet. And it won't stay that way. He's attempting to cook something I've never heard of before._

 **Laura (8:34 am):** _I can't even spell it._

 **Laura (8:35 am):** _he's trying to learn via a youtube video._

 **Danny (8:37 am):** _oh man. Let me know how it goes:)_

 **Laura (8:39 am):** _will do:)_

Three of Danny's cousins run into the kitchen, screaming about going sledding, and Danny chugs the last dregs of her coffee before heading out to join them. There are too many people in the house right now. Throwing herself down a hill over and over sounds like a brilliant way to spend a morning.

When Danny comes back inside that afternoon, her face pink, and her fingers and toes numb, there are text messages from Laura waiting for her.

 **Laura (1:19 pm):** _so, the man from the fire dept. just left. And we might need a new stove._

 **Laura (1:20 pm):** _but everyone is ok! And nothing is rlly broken besides the stove! And... it was actually rlly funny. I wish I had a video to show you._

 **Laura (1:34 pm):** _It's the most i've laughed since, well, you know:) it was nice._

 **Danny (3:17 pm):** _:)_

…

…

Christmas is a flurry of excited yelling, discarded wrapping paper covering the floors, too many sugar cookies, hot chocolate, and specials on TV. Her grandfather's house is so full of people, Danny accidentally sits on top of someone twice.

Laura sends her a picture of herself and her dad, holding up custom-made mugs of hot chocolate in front of a stove that looks like it may have exploded. The smile on her face is the happiest Danny has seen her since Carmilla died.

 **Danny (6:17 pm):** _merry christmas dork:)_

 **Laura (6:20 pm):** _!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

…

…

As nice as not having to jungle homework, and Summer Society, and Silas' extra quirks is, by New Years, Danny is itching to go back to school. There are too many people in her house, and none of them are the person she wants to see. She has small conversations with Perry and Lafontaine—mostly just texting them happy holidays—but she and Laura text each other nearly every day during their break.

Often, they have nothing of importance to say to each other, but it's still nice. Danny complains about her multiple family members and lack of access to a free bathroom, and Laura gives Danny updates on entertaining things that her father does.

They don't talk about Carmilla, or anything to do with romance of any kind. And Danny gets it, but she can't help the way her stomach flips every time her phone dings and Laura's name appears on its screen. Distance doesn't do anything to lessen her feelings for Laura, if anything, it only adds to them.

She tries, constantly, to convince herself to stop. That it isn't fair to Laura or to herself to feel this way right now. Laura was falling in love with Carmilla and now she is grieving for Carmilla and Danny doesn't fit there. All she is doing is setting herself up to feel like shit.

She tries.

It doesn't work.

…

…

It's strange to think of the Summer Society house as feeling spacious. The constant flurry of girls shuffling in and out is familiar, and sometimes overwhelming, but after the barrage of her family members, very welcome.

Danny barely has the chance to drop her bags down on the floor when her phone dings with a new message.

 **Laura (3:37 pm):** _hey! Want to come help me decorate my_ _new_ _room? I've got boy meets world season 6 ready and waitin_ _g:)_

The goddamn butterflies in her stomach just won't quit.

 **Danny (3:38 pm):** _be there in five._

She bites down her grin and yanks a clean shirt on, before kicking her door closed with her ankle on the way out of the room.

Laura nearly tackles her the minute she knocks on the open door frame. Her excitement is, as always, infectious, and Danny knows that she is beaming when Laura pulls away.

“I can't believe I haven't seen you in a month!” Laura says.

“I know,” Danny laughs and walks into Laura's new room. It's a single. “I was ready to find a dinghy boat to paddle across the ocean. My parents were driving me crazy.”

Laura has already decorated most of her room. Her bed is made, posters are up on the walls, and her closet looks like it is mostly full. Danny isn't sure she actually needs any help. Which means Laura just wanted to hang out. At least, Danny hopes it does.

Laura motions to her bed, and Danny flops down, the same way she has done a hundred times. But, when Laura grabs her laptop and moves to sit beside her, there is a look on her face that Danny can't quite figure out.

Everything about Laura seems... lighter somehow. Her smiles come easier. And there only seems to be a hint of the pain Danny saw behind her eyes before they left for winter break. Apparently, a month home with her dad did Laura well.

They don't talk, but settle in and watch three episodes before Laura sheepishly announces that she is hungry. (Danny's stomach has been growling for the last twenty minutes.) And the two of them head off in search of Laf and Perry, and some food.

…

…

The weeks roll by, one moving into another with hardly any fanfare. And the snow finally starts to melt, showing signs of the upcoming spring. Laura no longer stays holed up in her room, staring at an empty bed. Danny still catches hints of pain behind her eyes on occasion, and everyone still tries not to bring up Carmilla, or anything to do with vampires, but on the whole, Laura seems much happier. The two of them keep up their routine of hanging out in Laura's room, studying and watching tv on Netflix. Sometimes Laf and Perry join them, but at least one night a week, it's usually just the two of them. It becomes an unspoken agreement. On Friday nights, Danny grabs junk food and at least one apple for them to split, and heads over to Laura's dorm. Laura is always waiting for her with a smile.

There's a shift in their relationship that Danny doesn't know how to explain. Laura has never been shy in her affections before; she constantly doles out hugs and bumps shoulders with everyone she is close to. But suddenly, she _does not touch_ Danny in a way that feels more than deliberate. Whenever they _do_ accidentally brush up against each other, Laura jolts in a way that makes Danny feel terrible. It's not quite in the same way that girls reacted to Danny in high school when they found out she was bisexual; obvious in their disgust, never allowing themselves to change in front of her, or bump into her in the hallways. But it sort of makes her feel that way again regardless. Dirty. Like she's done something wrong.

But each time it happens, a split second after Laura jolts away from her, she immediately makes a guilty face, and tends to press herself right back against Danny. As if she is trying to make up for her reaction somehow.

Danny doesn't know what it means. And she is afraid to ask.

…

…

Finals week, Danny and Laf go over to Laura's room to ask her if she wants to join them in the library to study. Perry went ahead to save them a spot far away from the stairs to the basement level. (It's nowhere near dark, but they don't want to take any chances. Everything has been slightly out of whack since the Dean's death.)

Danny is fending off annoying texts from Kirsch about notes that he never bothered to take himself and would like to borrow. ' _Like, cause she's his bro now_.' And according to Kirsch, that's the sort of thing bros do for each other. Danny reminds him yet again that she is a female, and since there is no female equivalent to the word bro, he should find a gender neutral word to call her, or shut up and leave her the hell alone. But she tells him to meet them in the library anyway, since she has the notes. And... she doesn't _hate_ being an honorary bro as much as she thought she would.

She bumps into Laf as she shoves her phone into her back pocket. And she can hear why they stopped. Laura is crying.

“Shit,” Laf mumbles. “You want to take it or me?”

“Um,” before Danny can decide, Laura looks up and notices them both.

“Sorry,” she says, wiping at her face and gathering her books up hurriedly. “I just...” she takes a deep breath and gives them a small, tearful smile. “Well, I'm okay anyway,” she says, with more force than necessary. “Let's go study.”

“If you need a second—” Laf starts, but Laura clenches her teeth together and shakes her head aggressively.

“I'm fine,” she insists. “I just... cry a little sometimes. When I remember something. I'm—it doesn't happen as much now, I'm just tired.”

Laf doesn't look convinced and Laura looks to Danny for help.

“So, Kirsch is joining us,” Danny announces. “Cause he's an idiot and doesn't know how to take notes. I told him to meet us there. If we don't hurry, Perry will be left alone with him.”

Laf's eyes widen. Perry's already stressed enough without Kirsch pestering her for brownies and stopping her every few minutes to ask about her notes. If left alone with Kirsch for more than five minutes, she'll probably unravel.

“Right, let's go.” Laf says, and they start speed walking down the hallway, Danny and Laura following behind quickly. Laura smiles lightly at Danny and mouths, _'thank you'._ Danny shrugs and tries to ignore the flipping in her stomach.

…

…

A week and a half later, Danny finds herself out in the woods with Laura again. They attempted a run one other time after the snow melted a month or so ago, but it didn't end up going much better than the first attempt. Laura texts her after finishing her last final, and requests a walk in the woods instead.

Everything about the woods that usually feels foreboding is absent. It's sunny, birds are chirping, and there is a warm breeze that continuously rushes over them. They walk lazily, silent and just enjoying the afternoon for what it is. Danny let's Laura set the pace, still tired from her last final and just walking along on autopilot. She blanches when she realizes where they ended up.

The pit.

True to his word, Kirsch and the Zetas filled it in before winter. When the caves off from the basement collapsed in the aftershocks, the pit became accessible from the woods too. Dangerous for anyone walking along and not knowing it was there.

There is a marker in the middle of it that Danny hasn't seen before. A large wooden block with flowers beginning to grow around it.

_In memory of Carmilla Karnstein and all the other girls who died here. We won't forget you._

Fucking Kirsch, constantly full of surprises.

“He asked me,” Laura says. “What to put on it.” She never takes her eyes off the marker. “But I didn't know. I just said it needed to have her name and not forget about all the other girls too.” Laura wraps her arms around herself and shivers, even though it's nearly summer. “I said keep it simple. She wouldn't want a bunch of mushy, sentimental stuff.”

Danny finds herself grinning. “Yeah, she'd hate that.”

Laura moves forward, tracing her fingers around the small star beside Carmilla's name. “I told him to put that on it though. I thought... well, she liked the stars.”

“It's really nice,” Danny tells her softly. And it is, oddly beautiful and serene here.

Laura moves over and sits down on the grass near what used to be the edge of the pit. Danny follows her, both of them still looking at the marker. After a second, Danny hears Laura suck in a breath and something like dread settles in her stomach. Everything she's been afraid to bring up to Laura over the last few weeks is unavoidable now. Danny can feel it. Suddenly, she doesn't want to know. She wants everything to just stay the way it is. Danny can handle the fact that she probably loves Laura, and Laura loves someone else. It's fine. It doesn't hurt as much as she thought it would. Nothing needs to change.

But Laura has always been brave and honest, and it's part of what Danny loves about her, even if she hates her a little bit for it right now.

Laura opens her mouth and Danny closes her eyes.

“I've been feeling really guilty,” Laura says. And Danny's eyes snap back open, because that's not what she had been expecting at all.

“What?” she asks. “Why?”

Laura's gaze remains on the marker for a moment, then she turns to look up at Danny, an expression on her face that Danny can't quite read.

“Remember how I asked if you still liked me a few months ago?”

Danny isn't going to forget that conversation anytime soon. Laura saying: _I don't think my feelings for you ever went away_ while sobbing about how she was starting to love Carmilla when she died. Danny can't seem to make her voice work properly, so she just nods.

“Well, I told you I was really confused, and... I felt really guilty then too.”

“Laura you don't—”

“—No,” she cuts Danny off. “Please just, let me say this okay?” The pained look on her face hurts to look at, and Danny wants to get up and run away, but instead, she swallows and nods. Laura sighs in relief, then steels herself before going on. “Okay, so, I liked you a lot. And I wanted to go on a date with you. But, then I met Carmilla, and she was _infuriating_ at first, but... then,” Laura sighs wistfully, her eyes darting over to the marker of their own volition. “Then she wasn't. Well, no, she still was. But I was sort of starting to love her for it.” Laura smiles absently, picking at the grass. “I did love her for it. I loved Carmilla.”

“Yeah,” Danny's voice cracks. “I know.”

Laura looks up at her again. “I still cared about you. I don't... I don't know what would have happened if she hadn't have died. I've thought about it a lot over the last few months. Over and over till I made myself crazy. Everything felt like my fault. She fought because of me,” Laura chokes back a sob. “It's not fair that she died, and I'm always going to miss her. And... I'm always going to love her.”

“I know.” Danny whispers, and there isn't any pain in her voice. Because Carmilla saved their lives. Danny is grateful. And, a weird and very annoying small part of her loves Carmilla a little bit for that too.

Laura smiles at her, and Danny thinks that's it. The end of their conversation. But it's not. “I've been feeling guilty since I got back from winter break because I still like you Danny.”

Well, _that's_ not what she expected at all.

“I was grieving for Carmilla. And you were there for me. And, all these things I felt before kept coming back, and getting kind of stronger and... I felt _terrible_.” Laura starts to cry quietly, like the tears falling down her face are inconsequential now. “The girl I loved died because she was saving me, and I was starting to sort of have feelings for someone else, and I just felt so guilty about it.” She let's out a pained little gasp. “I felt guilty about it before too. Because I liked you both. But it felt so much worse after. Because Carmilla was dead. It felt like I was forgetting her or something. Like, if I moved on, or liked someone else that she didn't matter. But she _did_.” Laura wipes at her face, sucking in a breath and trying to calm herself back down. “That's why I've been kind of weird to you lately. I felt guilty. But—” Laura turns her body fully, so that she is facing Danny head on. There are still tears in the corners of her eyes, but she is smiling now, and the breeze is blowing her hair around her face softly. And Danny can't help but think that she's never looked more beautiful. “—Danny, I know the semester is over and we're going home for the summer soon, but I just wanted to tell you that I still like you. A lot.”

Danny blanches. “I—”

“I know this is sort of a weird place to tell you.” Laura says, motioning to the marker in front of them. “I hadn't really planned on that, we kind of just ended up here. But I needed to. To tell you. And to stop feeling so guilty. I'm—I'm never going to forget Carmilla, but I feel like I need to give myself permission to keep living my life.”

Danny swallows. “That makes sense.”

The breeze blows gently around them, and they both turn and look at the filled in pit. Laura reaches out and lightly brushes her fingertips against Danny's hand. She doesn't hold it, instead, she presses her fingers flat against the soft inside of Danny's palm without a word. They sit there together in silence, and Danny feels like maybe things are finally going to be okay. No matter what happens, Laura is going to be her friend. And they survived this year. A year full of missing girls, and heartbreak, and vampires, and thousand year old demons, and dead friends. They made it.

Danny doesn't ask Laura what happens now that they both know how they feel. The summer breeze blows Danny's hair around, and her skin tingles where Laura's fingers rest against it. They both look out at the remains of the pit, and it feels sort of like an end and a beginning pressed up against each other.

 


End file.
